Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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