I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
