I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
