I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
