Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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