I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
