i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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