I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
