Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
