Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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