Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
