one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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