just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
