I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
