i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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