Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
