You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
