Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
