Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
