Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
