I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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