first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
