I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
