have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.