It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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