Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
