Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
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