Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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