Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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