At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
