at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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