I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
