I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
