Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
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All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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