Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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