My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
