Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
