the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
