I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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