this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I said "one day" and that day is not today
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
