I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
