Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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