it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
