me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
