I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
