I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
