I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
