Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
