tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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