I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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