tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
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She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
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I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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