I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
